Learning to Let Go — Keshia Sih

OUTFIT DETAILS
Sweater: Vintage | Skirt: Unique Vintage (Gifted) | Hat: Dolls Kill | Shoes: Dr. Martens | Earrings: Forever 21

Nothing really prepares you for how traumatizing a friendship breakup can be. It’s embarrassing to say, but years later I am still figuring out how to pick up the pieces from how broken a failed friendship has left me. From the start, it was real and rooted in love, and somewhere along the way we became different people who needed different things from each other.

To this day, I am still haunted by my anxiety over losing this friendship. I’ve withdrawn myself from many people and events because sometimes my fear is just too great. In the moments I am able to bring myself to go out, my heart is jumping out of my chest worrying about the possibility I’ll run into this person.

I hate that I give this much energy to this void in my heart. It’s not so much about what we did or didn’t do, but the way it all blew up was not at all what I expected. I take full responsibility for my part in how things ended - simply put, I was triggered by my past trauma and I protected myself in the way I knew how - shutting down and removing myself from the picture.

Months after it all fell apart, I mustered up the courage to own up to my faults and apologized to this person for my part in things. We talked, but I still don’t quite know where we stand. Are we allowed to be in the same room and be civil with one another? Do we just pretend like our friendship never existed and ignore each other?

I’ve been holding onto a small sliver of hope that maybe our story will have a different ending, but for what? Moving forward without closure feels like an uphill battle I have to choose every single day, but one that I know is so necessary for my healing.

All I ever wanted was to be enough for this person, but I know now that the person I needed to be enough for was myself. I know it’s time to let go, but I’m still struggling to do so.

Have you dealt with this before? Any tips to help make this process easier?

xo,
Keshia